“In the midst of what is new, exciting and beautiful….I prefer to see the bruise.”

In the age of Snapchat, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, selfies and the countless filters, applications and “instant” connections that can make us not only look good, feel good and perhaps better than anyone else…..I’ve lost myself.

Who Am I?

As you can see in the picture above, I am that someone who is not really fond of the camera. I am that someone who doesn’t care much about wearing branded stuff. I don’t wear makeup..much less care so much about how my hair looks. I enjoy the simplest stuff. I used to be this person, who is satisfied with who I am, what I have, what I’ve accomplished and is in full acceptance of what I have failed to do. I was not in competition with anyone. I was not fighting to belong. I was just grateful to be alive. Happy to be me….

Somehow, in the years that followed and being satisfied with how my life is going. Happy in the thought that I look great for my age, that I am luckier than most and that I’ve accomplished things that some people have not….I was enticed to be a part of a social media platform where you can be real, where I’m supposed to meet new people or reconnect with people that I have not heard of for years. It is a place where we can share photos, find out what everyone is up to, caught up for lost time and talk….

At about this time, I still don’t like my photos to be taken. I still don’t wear branded stuff. I don’t care about makeup and definitely don’t care much about my hair. I still am not in competition with anyone. I was not struggling to belong. I was happy to be me.

But you see, this place…I found out later, is not all about catching up for lost time, or sharing ordinary and boring photos or having a good real talk or reconnecting with people you know and love.

Actually, this place…it’s a place  where we can be the person that we already are or much better..be one that we aspire to be. It’s a place where we can speak our inner most thoughts without actually speaking. It’s a place where we share what we are going through without really admitting.  It’s a place where we are sharing a part of us that is perhaps broken or hurting or needing help but we cover it up with what is whole and great and happy and well. It is a place for people who are present and yet lost. It is a place for people who want to reconnect yet are not willing to connect. It is a place for people who want to be talked to but don’t really want to talk. It is a place where people can be characterized by a thumbs down or thumbs up, or by the countless number of emojis and the number of likes. It is a place where we can have hundreds, even thousands of friends and really have none. It is a place where being connected means not seeing eye to eye. Where feeling is not being connected heart to heart. It is a place where friendships are broken, relationships are neglected and where opinions really don’t matter or are respected. It is a place where families are together and yet far apart. It is a place for misleading purposes and realities doubted. It’s a place for lost time, missing actual sunsets and sunrises, neglected phone calls, missed coffee dates, hearing a good laugh and missing face to face conversations and not living in the moment.

You know…..I tried my best to belong. I did what I can do to look much better than I really am. I attempted to be someone I am not. I compared my life to someone else. And this body, that seen me through a lot….I’ve wished to switch it with someone else.

But then….

Do all these things matters?

“I don’t know which I am scared of the most, not being accepted for who I really am or being love for who I am not?”

Now, which filter should I use…