When I was younger, the talk of death terrified me. I find it such a morbid topic to talk about. At that time, I also dreaded looking at or seeing coffins. I’d skip the viewing because I’d rather remember the person while they were alive.

But lately,  the thought of death doesn’t scare me anymore. I can’t really pinpoint the reason why. Maybe it comes with age? Maybe readiness? Realization perhaps? I don’t really know. All I know is that I am not scared. I can’t say I am ready, because…who in their right mind thinks about dying? Of course, there is also the thought of, if I’ll end up in heaven or not. Because I know I am NOT a perfect – sinless human being.

In reality, when it’s time for us to go, whether we are ready or not or whether we like it or not….we go. I think we should be more concerned about how we live our life, what kind of legacy we are leaving, how we make others feel in our day to day life, what kind of memories we are making, are we regretful of the things we did wrong, have we asked for forgiveness, and if we are living the life we always wanted.

I read something about someone writing her own obituary. I think I would do the same. As we all know, a typical obituary talks about the good things about this person has done or everything this person has accomplished…all the feel good stuff. But you know, I am NOT all good stuff. I am crazy. Emotionally and sentimentally crazy. Most times, I feel like I am a failure. I struggled with a lot of things. I do my best to be a great Mom, an amazing wife, a supportive-caring daughter, a wonderful sister, an understanding friend and sometimes I succeeded and most times I failed. I want a lot of people to know these, not just a very few.

White doves. I told my daughter I want white doves release at my funeral. Would you believe me that I’m even thinking having someone sing Desperado instead of the normal songs we hear at a funeral? I, for some reason, love the song Desperado. Maybe, because I consider myself a desperate person. And..I’m thinking, you would probably never hear much of a funny story or a happy memory about me, I am such a boring and serious person….I don’t know.

And daisies. I love white daisies.

All I know…

I tried my best to be good at everything. To be the best that I can be. To be kind at all times. To help whenever I can. To be happy with what I have. And to be loving at all times.

I may have failed….

But I tried.

“I want to know how I impacted your life and hear about it while I am alive. These thoughts need to be shared and be made known so I can feed my heart. For what’s a good word to a dead man?”